(INDIE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
WREN: Everyone loves Halloween,
especially in Cleveland.
When you're known as "The Mistake By The Lake,"
the chance to pretend you're somebody else for a night sounds pretty good.
My dad grew up here, too.
His theory was, "No matter what happens in high school,
"college is where you figure out who you really are."
Not just some pretend-for-a-night version of yourself, but the real deal.
He went to NYU after he graduated, which is where I'm planning on going,
provided I can survive the insanity that is my family.
I know. Everyone thinks their family's crazy.
- But trust me... - (SNIFFS)
- ...you don't have... - Albert!
...him.
(SIGHS)
Seriously?
Albert!
Where are my boobs?
Mom, Albert struck again, that is twice this week.
Oh, hon, he wants to be close to you.
Well, that makes one of us.
Have you signed my application yet?
Uh, application for what?
Afghan citizenship. Hello? College loans.
Oh, right. No.
Oh, again with that jacket.
Why couldn't you have gotten attached
to something of your dad's from this decade?
Mom. Application. Focus.
We need to talk about this, Wren.
I understand that you want to go to NYU,
but Ohio State is just much less expensive.
I know it's a lot of money and I promise not to major in English
so I can help pay it off.
When my dad died, my mom kind of lost it.
She started dyeing her hair blonde,
shopping at Forever 21,
and going out with a person named Keevin.
Oh, Joy.
M'lady.
M'dawg. Yeah.
(KEEVIN CHUCKLES)
Apparently, dating a 26-year-old
is one of the seven stages of grief.
Come on, Albert! Let's go!
So, which do you think, sexy kitty or sexy mouse?
Can't you be a kitty without being sexy?
Um, no.
Hello? Being sexy is what's gonna get us
into Aaron Riley's party tonight.
We're never getting into Aaron Riley's party.
We're not that cool.
Huh. It's really sad that you're a pessimist.
Realist.
I read a statistic that a good Halloween costume
can increase your chance of popularity by 32 %. So,
have you thought about what you're going as yet?
I was thinking maybe Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
Huh?
We learned about her in Government.
Feminist icon? Supreme Court justice?
Aaron Riley is a musician.
He is not a law-abiding citizen.
He's not gonna know who that is.
What if I did a rap explaining who I am?
Stop. You're getting your nerd juice all over me.
- Wren. Hey! - Speaking of nerds. Oh, God.
- Hey, Roosevelt. - Morning, ladies.
Happy Halloween. Right?
Albert, what's shaking, buddy?
Still not talking, huh?
Nope. Going on almost a year.
Thanks. Hey, this monster's got some pretty big eyeballs.
That looks like your sweater.
My boobs. I'll take that.
So, what are you going as for Halloween?
E.O. Wilson.
The father of sociobiology?
Exactly.
You two are going to costume jail for life.
Congratulations. You found someone
with a more obscure costume than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Wait. You think it's obscure?
Hey.
Maybe you could do an explaining rap, too.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm E.O. Wilson and I'm a scientist
I study ants and stuff if you get the gist
I'm about as cool as a guy can get
Think Jason Bourne with a butterfly net
- (LAUGHS) Yeah! - Right?
- That was good. - It's easy.
You could even do a stick bug dance to really bring it home.
- Or you couldn't do that. - Like one of these.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Don't... Don't do that.
- What? Don't do what? - That.
Maybe you'll like praying mantis better. Ready?
Whoo!
- Can you please stop it? - You don't like that?
Wren, I said please.
The turtle is one of my personal favorites.
Whoo!
- Wren, please cut it out. - (ROOSEVELT CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna throw up.
WREN: Maybe this will make you feel better.
I don't even know what kind of bug this is.
But what do you think about these moves, April?
How am I looking now?
(HORN HONKS)
WREN: Aaron Riley. God. Stud.
Legend.
Didn't know you could move like that, Desantis.
Uh...
You coming to my party tonight?
'Cause you should.
I should?
You should.
I should.
Maybe I'll play a song for you.
Wren. We're going to Aaron Riley's party.
This is fully...
Albert!
He should not be off-leash.
WREN: Halloween just went from another holiday I was trying to avoid
to possibly the greatest night of my life.
Okay, so now I really need to figure out my costume,
because Ruth Bader Ginsburg won't work.
What about sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
No, that's weird.
April's got dibs on wildlife.
(GROWLS SOFTLY)
And Aaron Riley always goes as the star of his favorite movie.
Why not? They keep making sequels.
(GASPS)
No. Not a chance.
Hey. Look, you love Spider-Man.
He looks like a Mexican wrestler.
Whatever. For once, you're not my problem tonight.
WREN: Thanks to some inspiration from Pink Floyd,
I got it. Dorothy, from The Wizard of Oz.
Not only is she an iconic female hero,
but she also provides a costume
that I happen to have in my closet.
Yellow brick road, here we come.
Oh, hey, Wren. What do you think?
I think people might misinterpret what you mean by "trick or treat."
That's what you're taking Albert out in?
Oh, no, I forgot to tell you.
You're gonna watch Albert tonight.
I'm going to a party with Keevin.
A party? With Keevin?
Why are you saying his name like that?
It's not even a name, Mom. You're either Kevin or you're Steven.
Keevin does not exist.
Keevin does exist, and he is kind and employed.
No, Mom, I did not agree to this. Please?
Don't do this to me.
Honey, if you watch Albert tonight,
I'll sign the application for NYU tomorrow.
And then this time next year, you're gonna be
trick-or-treating the West Village!
I love you, thank you, you're welcome.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Happy Halloween, Spidey. Aren't you adorable?
You have a lot to choose from. Pick your favorite.
(YELLS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Honey! Honey, I think we need more candy.
APRIL: This sucks.
I can't believe we're missing the party.
How about this? When's Albert's bedtime?
9:00.
But if he's riding a sugar high, sometime next week.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, my God, it's Aaron. How did he get my number?
A smiley face emoticon?
We have to go.
If we don't, he'll move on to someone else.
My mom's been married three times.
Trust me, that is how love works.
MAN: Whose child is this?
Get over here.
Hi.
Does he belong to you?
He cleaned me out. The sign says, "Take one."
Plus, I don't think he needs the extra pounds.
WREN: Sorry, sir.
Albert, do you have any idea what I sacrificed to be out here tonight?
Do we need to send you to rehab?
Okay, we're going to go through the haunted house,
and then you're going to bed. Come on.
(OWL HOOTING)
(APRIL GRUMBLES)
Damn! I've never seen you like that.
I guess the pressure of being a teen mom is getting to me.
- Roosevelt! - Oh, my...
WREN: Hey, Peng.
Wren, hey.
What the hell are you?
I'm Aaron Burr, fool. The dude who shot Alexander Hamilton.
Check it. Period gat.
Don't worry, it's just an antique.
I'm going to step outside.
So, Wren,
listen, I think it's really cool that you don't
feel the need to dress sexy on Halloween,
like some other girls.
Thank you, Roosevelt.
Well, I'd better catch up with my brother.
So, you guys have a good night. Bye.
(CHILDREN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)
(SIGHS)
WREN: Albert?
Albert?
Albert, I want to thank you.
If it wasn't for you always doing stuff like petting a dead cat,
I might never have found the motivation to leave home.
You're not my mommy.
Bitch.
Albert?
Albert!
Albert.
Albert!
Albert! (SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Albert!
- (GROANS) - Oh!
Albert.
(GROWLS)
Albert!
Albert.
Oh, thank God.
Hey! I'm not doing anything wrong.
This is 100 % legal.
Yes, but very, very creepy.
Albert!
My mom is going to kill me.
Keevin Kilpatrick.
My oldest chum.
Nathaniel Brueder.
You've heard all about the lovely Joy.
- Hi. - Indeed I have.
But you were wrong about one thing, Keevin.
She's twice as beautiful as Katie Couric.
Oh, thank you. She could be my mother, but
I love her and I think she's so brave.
Please, welcome, welcome. Casa de Brueder.
I brought some wine. Do you have a wine table,
or should I give this to one of the servers?
You are a peach. My parents love wine.
You can chuck it in their wine cellar downstairs.
Why are they here?
Because, duh, they live here.
Oh.
Great people. You'll love them.
Come on. Everyone's down in the Nate Cave. Race you!
(KEEVIN EXCLAIMS GLEEFULLY)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Dude, I worked, like, 13 hours this week.
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to cut loose!
(CHEERING)
Oh.
(EXHALES)
Can you walk any faster?
APRIL: No, I can't. We need a car.
I should call the police again. Or the hospital.
Or maybe the pound.
This is bad, April. This is really, really bad.
Oh, come on. What's the worst that could happen to him?
Okay. How about this?
We split up.
Cover more houses.
Let me guess. So you can go to the party.
- It's at a house. - Come on!
(CHUCKLING) Well played, Galaxy Scout.
Huh.
Hey, there, little man.
Whoa, that arm looks real bad.
Who was it? Green Goblin or that lunatic, Dr. Octopus?
Venom? You must have been freaking out.
What's happening? Oh, yeah, of course.
You need to feed.
It's very full already, but still...
Do you chew, bro?
That's disgusting to say.
Expecting?
Utility knife.
I don't know why we have so many knives and safety pins.
You backed up in any way or...
Mmm. Here we go.
Just mainline it, right?
I mean, don't really mainline it
because that would be intense. Hey.
You're that little kid from the arcade, right?
Man, you are an absolute beast at Mario Kart.
Wow, a living legend in my presence. I am Fuzzy,
and you are Spidey. Of course.
Well, nice to meet you, Spidey.
Slushee's on the house.
Cool. Anyways...
Nice to meet you and everything
and stay in touch, man. Just don't...
If you see me in the arcade,
say, "What's up?" and I'll spot you some quarters,
'cause you got mad skills.
That went weird.
Oh, what's up, fellows? Making an omelet?
Yeah, with a side of T. P.
- Who you hitting? - Whoever has got it coming.
Tonight's all about revenge.
First on our list is Stacy Lautner's house.
She said she'd be my lab partner this year,
but first day of class, she was sitting with David G.
Man, I feel your pain, brother.
Stay strong.
All right, man. Wish us luck.
Hey, we're sensitive guys, right?
Vengeance.
Yeah. Vengeance.
(SIGHS)
Vengeance.
Ow. Okay. All right.
What's up, Spidey? You just chilling out here by yourself?
Okay.
Well, no man should ride alone tonight.
You don't have any friends or anything?
Look who's talking.
I tell you what.
I need a man for a mission.
One man for one mission to avenge one broken heart.
Will it be dangerous? Yes. Very much so.
In fact, I'm quite scared about it.
Will we make it back alive? I don't know, to be honest.
I do not know.
But I can promise you this.
He who follows me unto the breach, my dear friends,
will be rewarded with unlimited free Funyuns
for the rest of his life.
So, look.
(SIGHS)
I just feel like we could help each other out tonight.
So what do you say, Spidey? Are you in?
(SLURPING)
Take your time.
Yep. Bam. Awesome.
Great news.
All right, so...
Just get in my car and we'll roll, man, like homeys.
Not that I'm luring a kid into my car.
I'm not luring a kid into my car.
Let's check in here. Albert's nursing a major Slushee habit.
Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you?
Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up, (EXHALES)
but it has reached crisis stage.
I put Nair on my butt this morning.
Oh, my God, it is chafing something fierce.
FUZZY: Here we go, Spidey. The adventure begins.
APRIL: It was an accident.
- You Naired your butt? - Yeah, and it burns.
Why in God's name would you do that?
It's like fire shooting out of my ass.
Oh, nerd alert. Other way.
Shh.
Please do not forget that in our cross-ex.
Just chill, bro. It's Spring Lake.
Follow me.
Roosevelt!
Peng! Hey, guys, what's going on?
We were just actually going over our strategy
for tomorrow's match.
- Fencing? - PENG: Debate, actually.
First co-captains in school history.
- That's really cool. - Um, Wren?
So, how do you get to the big match? Is there a team bus?
No, I drive my car.
Well, it's not my car, but I can get permission.
So could you get permission tonight?
Tonight? You want me to drive the car...
You want me to drive, tonight, with it? You in it?
What he was trying to say is we would love to drive around
with you girls at night with no parents.
Great.
So, yeah. Let's, uh... Let's hit the road. Let's go.
Uh, the thing is...
I haven't fully completed my trust window yet.
Your trust window?
It's like a second learner's permit, but between me and my moms.
You know, for six months, I can't drive with anyone
outside my immediate academic and/or social circles.
Oh, bummer. Let's go.
But...
We're friends.
My Crush.
It's all over the floor.
You guys want to go?
We should go.
Prostitution.
Okay, come on in. Shoes off, slippers on.
And please use your inside voices,
which, if you need a barometer, is about where I am now.
No problem. So what's our cover?
We're debate team cheerleaders or something?
No, it's okay.
You're my friends, you lost your brother.
I don't ever lie to my moms.
One more thing.
Do either of you carry any sort of unusual scents
or chemical odors?
Really know how to smooth talk a girl.
I mean like scented lotions, perfumes.
Fragrances set off Tolstoy's asthma.
- Tolstoy? - The cat.
He's a gray tabby. He's 12.
PENG: Really?
(WHISPERING) Wait. What about the Nair on your...
- You-know-what. - Shh!
Don't talk about my you-know-what in front of them.
(CLEARS THROAT) We love cats!
(PLAYING LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Roosevelt.
Hey, Moms.
(WHISPERING) I thought he was just talking like Lil Wayne.
I didn't expect you home until Charlie Rose.
Moms, this is Wren Desantis.
- Hi. - And April...
- April... - (CAT HISSING)
Martin-Danzinger-Ross.
The only thing my mom loves more than men is hyphens.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So this is the Wren Desantis.
"The"?
I hear you're applying to NYU.
Yes, I think I mentioned that to Roosevelt once.
BARB: Mmm, great school.
That's where Barb earned her third doctorate.
Yeah.
- In prenatal psychology. Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm still in touch with the dean through my heirloom bean club.
- Great guy. - JACKIE: Oh, Earl.
- He's a lovely person. - Yeah, he's a good guy.
He would write a letter in a heartbeat.
BARB: Oh, are you kidding me?
(SNEEZES)
- Yeah. - And very knowledgeable about beans.
Mmm.
I'm not sure where I am on chits...
Ba-b-b-b-b-b!
Speak the Greek language.
It's ancient Greek. It's just this fun thing we...
I would like to use the car.
(WHEEZING AND MEWING)
What's going on?
APRIL: You were right about the Nair.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, my ass is killing this cat.
(WHINES)
Please?
No way!
Let's go!
WREN: It was so nice to meet you two. PENG: Bye, Mrs. Leroux.
Bye, Mrs. Leroux.
What was that about?
I don't know. We should have breastfed longer.
Oh, honey.
(WHINES)
(GASPS) Tolstoy! Jackie! Kitty down!
- We have a kitty down! - Oh!
What happened?
It's my fault.
I completely blanked on the ancient Greek for "seatbelt."
So now what do we do?
We drive really, really carefully.
FUZZY: Okay, Spidey, I don't know if you know about super-spy missions,
but the key here is the element of surprise.
We must be very, very, very stealthy.
There's Lara's place right up there.
(SIGHS) We had a lot of good times in that apartment.
I mean, not like that.
Well, like that, just not because of that.
Special. You know what I mean?
Do you?
Okay.
All right, well, you know, she didn't think so, because
she started sharing intimacies with this mixed martial arts guy.
Big, scary guy called Jörgen.
You know, the two rock dots over the "o"?
He has this huge tattoo on his arm of this dragon smoking a cigarette,
which I personally find redundant because I don't see why a dragon
would smoke a cigarette.
It doesn't make any sense. You know what I'm saying?
Dragons have smoke in their body.
It's part of being a dragon.
Not to mention if he's got dragon kids.
Smoking around dragon kids? I don't know.
Time for vengeance, Spidey. Yeah!
Okay, man, get pumped, here we go! Let's do this.
(GRUNTS)
Aw, what?
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna have to get a little bit closer.
You might wanna put your mask on
because we're about to commit a very serious crime.
I mean, you're a minor, still, but, you know,
these days, they execute minors.
Okay. All right. Here we go.
(FUZZY MUTTERING)
Let's play.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah!
Direct hit, Spidey!
Yeah!
All right.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
Oh, no, that's a fire.
There's a fire. It's all on fire.
Get the hose! Spidey, get the hose!
(POLICE CHATTER ON RADIO)
Oh, no!
Oh, no.
What have I done? (SOBBING)
Fuzzy?
Lara?
MAN: What the hell?
Who the hell are you?
Lara!
(CRASHING)
(FUZZY MUTTERING)
Oh! Kill him, baby! Kill him!
Oh, this went horribly wrong.
OFFICER: Whoa. Right there.
FUZZY: This is a nightmare! MAN: Come here!
Run, Spidey! Go! Save yourself!
Meet me at the car!
WOMAN: Get him!
MAN: You're dead.
What? Come on! No!
(YELLING)
What is going on?
Wait. Wait, Spidey! Spidey!
Spidey!
Ah.
He really loves that candy.
- Fuzzy? - Lara!
Oh, thank God. Please, you gotta help me get my car back.
Why should I give a crap what happens to your lame car?
Because there's an eight-year-old boy inside.
That's messed up.
It's not what you're thinking.
WREN: We checked the mini-mart and the arcade.
The comic book store is closed.
I know. Let's go to Captain Chicken. Albert lives for that stuff.
Really? Despite all the trans fat?
I know a place where we can ask 200 people if they've seen him.
No, April, for the hundredth time,
we are not going to Aaron Riley's.
You know, to be honest,
I don't really get all the hype about Aaron.
Well, A, he's gorgeous, and B, please refer to A.
Pump it up, bro! Let's get some tunes going!
- (BALLAD PLAYING) - Hey, stop.
Only the pilot touches the controls.
This is the most fun I've ever had.
PENG: Chicks dig music, bro.
ROOSEVELT: Stop messing!
(BALLAD PLAYING LOUDLY)
Oh, fantastic! You broke the stereo!
No big deal. Just put the knob back on!
Yeah. Seriously, Peng, just give me the knob!
I don't have the knob, Roosevelt!
I think it's over here!
Find the knob! Do not touch my leg!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
ROOSEVELT: You said Captain Chicken.
Yeah, from a side street. Not the strip!
I want out!
APRIL: Oh, my God! This is where cool people hang out.
We are officially losers!
I want out!
Let me out of this nerd ship!
Rule 6C, child safety locks...
APRIL: Get us out of here, Roosevelt!
Where do you want me to go?
APRIL: Oh, God!
Oh, no! Here comes the uplifting chorus!
ROOSEVELT: Okay, we're almost there. Hang on, guys.
What's happening?
(EXCLAIMS IN ANCIENT GREEK)
What?
It's ancient Greek for broken alternator.
- They tried telling me. - (HORN HONKING)
Move the babe magnet, asswad!
Yeah, asswad!
What's up, bitches?
Why don't you get out of that honky-ass truck
and come at me like a man?
Start the car, Roosevelt. Start it! Start the car!
I'm trying. Why must you always be so confrontational?
Sorry, man. You know how jacked up I get
- the night before a debate. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, my God. It's my mom.
Holy crap, that's Mike Puglio. He's the wedgie king.
Don't answer it!
She's gonna think that something's up.
Something is up.
Hulk like kitty.
- Hey. - Here, kitty, kitty.
Hey, Mom.
- Hi, hon. How's it going? - It's going. It's going great.
Exactly as you would want it to go, so that's good.
Hey! Nice wig, Grandma!
(GRUNTS)
What was that?
That was Albert's horror film.
Doctor's orders.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Joy. Guess what?
- No. - (FARTING)
Classic Brueder!
(LAUGHING)
- Step out of the banana wagon! - Sorry, Mom!
Hands full with putting Albert to bed.
But it's all under control, though, so you stay out!
Stay out and have fun! Stay out very late, okay?
JOY: What is going on over there?
That's a very, very good pantomime.
JOY: Wren, can you hear me?
Do you do theater?
All right, love you. (KISSES) Bye.
- JOY: Wait, wait, wait! - Hulk smash!
- (GRUNTS) - (MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)
- Punch it! Go! - Go!
ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
MIKE: That guy is getting a serious wedgie!
(YELLS)
Evasive maneuvers! Hard right!
Hard right!
- Dude, where'd they go? - (GRUNTS)
WREN: Roosevelt, roll down the window.
GIRL: Welcome to Captain Chicken.
What be your ahr-derrr?
Have any fat, one-armed Spider-Men been through here?
Hey, there, little guy. Where's your family?
Hey! We're gonna be late.
Cover charge goes up in 15 minutes.
Okay.
Look, I got to go, but I'm not leaving you here by yourself.
You got ID?
I'm just kidding. Come on.
I'm Galaxy Scout. You must be Spidey.
Do you like to dance?
(THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL PLAYING)
APRIL: Oh, my God. What are we listening to?
ROOSEVELT: That's my moms' favorite musical.
Dad? Unlock me.
April, I need your help. You are my best friend!
Which is why it's my duty
to tell you you are one more nerd music jam away
from total social suicide!
Bye.
What? Peng!
Stop her! Grab her legs!
I got her! I got her!
APRIL: Get off of me!
Not tonight. Nothing tonight.
Okay, let me go and I'll let you touch my boob for 10 seconds.
- Thirty! - Fifteen.
Twenty and I can pick a cold day.
- Done. - Ha!
ROOSEVELT: April, come on, get back in, seriously.
Watch out!
Gotcha, perds!
Thought you ditched us, didn't you, fartbreath?
They look so mad.
BULLIES: Oh!
(LAUGHING)
Inside voices, inside voices!
Jump the curb.
I have this.
I did not have it.
(METALLIC CREAKING)
(ALL SCREAM)
(BYSTANDERS LAUGHING)
WREN: Roosevelt, I'm so sorry.
I'll tell your moms it was all my fault.
I made you do it!
No, you didn't make me do anything. I wanted to.
APRIL: Oh, really?
You wanted to spend your Halloween
driving all over town in a rolling "Kick Me" sign?
You wanted to get violated by a giant pirate bird?
You losers have ruined our social lives!
(SOBBING)
Peng!
- Let's go back to the car. - HULK: I can't breathe.
What the...
Wait. Peng.
Uh-oh! He's packing heat!
What's he doing?
MIKE: Hang on there, little buddy, all right.
You got to give me a fighting chance.
Let's settle this like gentlemen.
We're not even really gentlemen.
We're barely even men.
Hey, Peng, let's just go.
Count us off.
CROWD: One! Two! Three!
Ignore him, Peng! Just walk away!
Yeah. Losers talk, winners walk, buddy. Let's go!
CROWD: Ten!
We have a situation here involving a musket and a drumstick.
ROOSEVELT: That gun doesn't even work, Peng.
He is gonna beat the crap out of you!
You're right, man.
(INAUDIBLE)
(ALL SCREAM)
(MIKE YELLING)
Mike!
(WAILING)
Dude, dude, dude. Dude.
(SNIFFING)
Dude, it's chicken. Chill out, dude. It's just chicken.
It's just chicken, man.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(SIREN WAILS)
Dude, cops. Let's split.
For the record, those were not real tears!
Oh, and Captain Chicken, your food sucks!
Come on, Peng. We still need to find Albert
and I can't do it without you. We're a team, okay?
All four of us.
April?
I thought all I wanted was a night like this,
but we don't belong out here.
(SIREN WAILS)
What if we do?
Come on, Peng, let's go.
WREN: Come on, Peng!
Peng!
Hey. Hey!
Stop the car, Chicken Boy! Stop! Police! Hey!
- My God! Go, go, go! - I'm going!
Come on. Come on.
We got T. P.'ed?
What the hell?
- Stacy Lautner's dad? - Yeah.
She broke my heart.
Vengeance!
Halloween.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLUBBERS CHEERING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hit the road, Webster.
I'm gonna show you how big people get their freak on.
But leave the stash!
I've been rippin' and tearin' since sundown
and I'm feeling a little snacky!
Ooh, twerk it, twerk it!
(SCOFFS) You're a pig, Jörgen.
(ECHOING)
FUZZY: Big guy called Jörgen.
He has this big tattoo on his arm of a dragon smoking a cigarette.
GALAXY SCOUT: You even smell creepy.
Come on, let's go.
Cruddy.
Over-the-counter crap.
JOY: Is there a bathroom? Do you have a bathroom?
Excuse me. Sorry.
Yo! Real Housewives of Cleveland!
No. I would never be on that show.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come in...
How good is that book?
Can we... Can we help you with something?
Oh, I was just looking for a minute by myself
without a party animal farting in my phone.
Classic Brueder. (CHUCKLES)
No offense. I mean, your son seems great.
He's an idiot.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Oh, hey, you met. I love this.
Um, quick question. That rug in the entryway?
How flammable is it?
Is it like fire-retardant or just regular retardant, or...
Don't even worry about it.
Bee-tee-dubs, Eddie Oshinki's about to shoot
a ping pong ball out of his whatoosie, and Keevin really wants you to be there.
It's early in the relationship, he's still trying to impress her.
Young love, right?
Tea? Anyone?
I would love tea. Thank you.
I'm gonna have to flee to Mexico.
You? I lost my little brother on Halloween.
They're gonna lock me up for life!
I shot a man!
Actually, you shot a man's chicken.
It's not the same.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What do you want?
- He's here! - Where?
At the party. I just saw him a second ago. Hurry.
April found Albert! They're at Aaron Riley's!
Let's go!
Fuzzy. Bus stop. That way.
So we went to the tow yard and my car was there.
Spidey wasn't. Where could he be?
Mind telling me why you were hanging out
with an eight-year-old in the first place?
I was lonely.
Ever since you left, I've been roommates with my sadness.
Hey, girl, where were you?
Don't ask. I spent my night with Fuzz
trying to find some one-armed spider-midget.
Oh, my God. We know that dude. We were partying with him.
- LARA: You were? - Yeah, he's awesome.
See, Lara?
It's not like I hang out with lame eight-year-olds. God!
Where is he now?
I don't know. We lost him.
He was hitting the Rolos pretty hard.
- Yeah, that's him. - (HORN HONKS)
Hey, ladies, need a ride?
Ew.
Looking good, Lara.
(GIGGLES) Thank you.
Hey, you take that back right now.
Hey, Lara, is that the guy who squats when he pees?
- Why would you say that to anybody? - LARA: You do.
I can't believe... Ow!
Spidey's stash can.
Spidey.
What kind of crazy shit are you mixed up in?
WREN: I think this is it right here. Make a right.
Hey.
I heard a rumor you shot Mike Puglio with a musket.
Is that true?
Yeah.
My man.
Come on, I want to hear all about it.
Hey, everyone. This is the guy who shot Puglio.
Oh, my God, at last.
I just saw him in the living room. Come on.
Um...
Good idea. We'll split up, cover more ground that way.
So?
Are you blind? On the stage. Over there.
Check, one, two. Check, check.
I can't believe I actually thought you found my brother.
Really? Because I totally tried to make it sound like that on purpose.
(CHUCKLES)
- You look so familiar. - Oh.
Were you standing behind me in line for a mammogram last week?
I think I was, actually.
I did get a mammogram last week, so...
Does everything come out okay?
Oh, yes. Yes, they're... Thank you. How are yours?
Oh, me, too. I'm good.
Oh, good, good, good.
How'd you meet Keevin?
Oh, I met him at the Starbucks on Shattuck.
We go there.
My son loves Caramel Macchiatos and that's Keevin's specialty.
- Oh, you have a son? - Yep.
I have a son and a daughter.
Two children. And yet you date Keevin?
Larry.
No, we... I mean, we're not all...
Where's your husband?
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Lawrence Reuben Brueder. I am sorry. He's so nosey.
He's been watching a lot of Dr. Drew lately.
It's okay. He's dead, actually. He died.
He passed away, and so, um...
You miss him?
Um...
Yeah, I miss my husband. I miss him a lot.
You know, he was... He was my husband
and so I'm kind of alone.
I have the kids there,
but that's not really comforting because I'm their mother
and I kind of have to take care of them all the time.
And my son doesn't really talk a lot to people.
And then my daughter is talking about going to school in New York City
and she wants to run across the country,
which is really terrifying to me
because then she's not gonna be near me
and I don't know how quickly this all happened
because it feels like she was just a baby a couple of months ago.
You know, these are things that happen to people,
and a lot of people don't even understand
what it's like to be a single mother.
A lot of people don't even get it.
And I'm a single mother. You know?
I'm a single mother, and I'm sitting here
in a Britney Spears costume at a party with a son of yours
that lives with you.
So, yeah, I miss my husband. I miss him.
What is that tea? It's so good.
I suppose you want to get back to the kids.
I do, actually.
(RINGING)
Come on, Albert, pick up. Pick up.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING FROM CAR RADIO)
(BELCHES)
Yeah.
Hey, whoa, hey!
It's Fuzzy. What's up, man?
I can't believe I found you. What up, dawg?
Bam. Okay, good.
Follow-up question.
What are you doing in the back of Jörgen's car?
Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?
Are you out of your mind?
I like it. It shows gumption.
You got a lot of moxie, kid, I'll give you that. Bam.
Stash can. Thought you might like to see that one. Good.
This Jörgen character has taken a dump on both of us.
But tonight,
tonight, we dump on him.
Guess what's in here? It's not French fries.
That's dog poo, professional grade.
Come on, look, it's short notice, okay?
Everyone has really tiny dogs these days.
I had to go to multiple houses just to get this.
I mean, it doesn't even smell.
I don't know what those people are feeding their dogs.
What do you got in there? Fireworks! Very nice.
(IMITATING EXPLOSION) Yeah.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(GRUNTS)
Who's there?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, Spidey, come on, let's go.
Spidey, come on. Come on, Spidey. Spidey?
Hot foot! You think I was born yesterday?
You're gonna have to come at old Jörgen with something
a little more than a burning bag of...
Ooh!
(LAUGHS)
You!
Oh, jeez! You, come here!
Come here! You!
You little twerp, come here! Come here!
Come here! Stop kicking me! Jeez!
Come on, Fuzzy. Spidey needs you.
Why can't I move?
Stop biting! Stop biting!
Hey.
So...
I was planning to wait till first snowfall, but, uh...
I think I'd like to collect on our deal right now.
Go for it.
- Seriously? - Twenty seconds, no honking.
You know, I think I'm gonna come in lefty.
Oh, my God.
(WHIMPERS)
You're an angel.
You're a glorious angel.
How long was that?
That was...
Enough.
Sir, I know I called before,
but could you please check lock-up one more time?
There's a very real chance that he's been arrested.
Hello?
Hey.
Hi.
How's it going?
(SIGHING)
This morning, all I wanted was to get away from my little brother, and...
Now that I've lost him, I'd do anything to get him back.
You will.
Are you sure?
I mean, as E.O. Wilson says,
"You are capable of more than you know."
Of course, he was talking about ants
being able to carry 10 times their body weight.
So I'm not really sure if it's applicable to this situation.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
I hope I didn't ruin your Halloween.
What? No. I never miss an opportunity to hang out
with a fellow fan of the Supreme Court.
Listen, I know this year's probably sucked for you.
I just wanted to say,
the way that you've handled everything has been
really impressive.
Thank you.
You know, as much as I admire Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
I think you're just as smart and strong
and awesome as she is.
Not quite as sexy, but,
you know, you're young. You'll get there.
Seriously,
Wren, I, um... I just wanted to say...
APRIL: There you are!
(SIGHS)
Wren...
I'm really sorry about everything.
I'm sorry about losing Albert.
I'm sorry about leaving you at Captain Chicken.
Be warned, it's about to get really girly up in here.
Okay.
(SIGHS) We haven't had a super fun night in a long time, and...
I don't know. I just wanted it to be epic.
And maybe I got a little carried away.
You're my best friend, boo. I love you.
I love you, too.
(WHISPERING) I love you, too.
Meow!
What were you two doing out here?
Oh.
Nothing.
We were just...
- Talking. - APRIL: Don't care.
And now the best part is
Aaron Riley is totally gearing up right now
to sing a song about you.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Come on, lady. You're not in Kansas anymore.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEALING)
AARON: This song goes out to a special lady. Wren Desantis.
And, please, people, no recording devices.
I can't afford to have bootlegs out there.
Something about the way your hair
Falls across your face
Your ears I want to nibble
Your lips I want to taste
I only see you in homeroom
But I think of you all day
Oh
Homeroom lady
WREN: I wonder what Roosevelt was about to say?
He's so nice and funny and smart.
(SINGING INAUDIBLY)
Wait a minute.
It's Aaron Riley!
Focus.
How could someone be so hot?
Do you love me?
Do you not?
Do you?
WREN: Part of me really wanted to believe that if I kissed Aaron Riley,
I'd be somebody else.
Not just for a night, but forever.
And my family would be back to normal,
and everything would be perfect.
I'm sorry.
What's your problem,
- Dora the Explorer? - ROOSEVELT: Excuse me, sorry.
But then I realized, perfect is an illusion.
Just Iike Oz is for Dorothy.
I...
I really appreciate you writing that song for me.
But
I have to go.
So,
goodbye,
Aaron Riley.
(SIGHS) I feel like my heart just broke.
GIRLS: Aww.
Who else wants to kiss me?
- I do! - Me!
GIRL: I do!
Roosevelt!
Roosevelt! Wait!
Wait!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What? You called me. Who is this?
This is Jörgen. I got Spidey.
Oh, my God! Albert?
You are such a lifesaver. Where are you?
Wait, it doesn't matter. I don't have a car.
Do you think maybe you could drop him off?
Maybe you don't understand.
See, Spidey thought it'd be a fun idea
to leave me a shit bomb. You know what that is?
It's shit with a bomb in it!
Now, I got a match next week! Do you hear me?
What do you want?
Cash.
The fight paid $200 if I Iost, $400 if I won.
Let's say I would have won.
I don't have that kind of money.
I only get $20 a week.
Hey, I don't care.
26 Grove Street.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(INDIE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
You got the cash?
Where is he?
Albert, are you okay?
Albert!
Whoa.
You know, playing pranks on Halloween is one thing.
But a bomb like that, that's terrorism.
Tiny terrorism.
I'm so sorry about your foot.
I'm sure that he didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been training for months.
Do you have any idea what a strict diet
of protein shakes and Red Bull does to a man?
I have a yeast infection.
I don't have the money.
Well, police it is.
No, please!
Please.
He's all I have left.
(DIALING)
Do you have Licensed To III?
The Beastie Boys? Sister, I was rocking Brass Monkey
when you were still a tadpole in your daddy's sack.
Look at the liner notes.
OPERATOR: 911, what is your emergency?
Hello? Can you speak?
Please hold.
You're putting us on hold?
Right there. It says "Peter Desantis."
That's my dad.
And this,
this is Mike D's.
You don't expect me to believe that's Mike D's.
My dad was a sound engineer in New York.
He worked on their album.
Mike D left his jacket in the studio on the last day,
so my dad just kept it.
Kind of like I did.
After he died.
Look at the stitching.
Well, I appreciate the donation,
but some kids just belong in prison. Let's go.
What?
- Let's go! - No! What do you mean?
- I mean, let's go! - No, you said... Albert!
No, stop!
Albert! Let go of me!
Yeah!
What the hell?
(FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT PLAYING)
(GRUNTS) Ow. Ow!
(LAUGHING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
Who wants some?
Albert!
(YELLS)
My beans!
Yeah!
OPERATOR: Sir? Still holding, and I really need to go to the bathroom.
Albert!
Come on. Let's go.
No, Albert!
Come here, boy!
Albert!
Where are you going?
Come on, Albert, hurry!
FUZZY: Come on, Spidey, I got you covered!
Oh, hi. Hello. I'm here to rescue you.
Trick or treat, bitch!
(SHOUTING)
Woo-hoo!
(SIREN WAILING)
FUZZY: (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah!
(SIGHS) Okay.
I'm... What are you doing?
I'm saving the day.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, sorry. My name's Fuzzy.
- Ooh. Oh. Yeah. - Okay, this...
Sorry, you have bad timing.
- They're getting closer, you know. - Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Hey, Spidey.
When you're ready to talk, I'm around to listen.
Thanks for helping a brother out tonight.
Okay.
Bam.
Slam dunk.
Hey. Whoo! Over here!
- Hey, coppers! I'm crazy! - Oh.
- It's a naked man! - Go!
I'm naked! Come get me, coppers! I'm a loon!
Come on. Let's go.
You'll never take me alive! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
JACKIE: It has to be the best one we've done.
BARB: Oh, for sure. JACKIE: In this series.
BARB: Well, you know why?
Because our heart is in this one.
JACKIE: Yeah. And it's evolved.
It's evolved, our understanding of it.
Our understanding evolved.
Roosevelt?
- Is everything okay? - Where have you been?
I messed up, Moms. I messed up bad.
Uh, ba-b-b-b-b!
(SPEAKING ANCIENT GREEK)
ROOSEVELT: No, No, I can't.
I'm not gonna say it in Greek or Aramaic or any other pre-Christian language.
Okay. You know that girl, Wren?
(STAMMERING) I blew it.
I mean, we drove around all night looking for her little brother.
And, oh, the Volvo, it's dead. It's totaled. It's gone.
- What? - What?
- It's dead. - What did you...
And after everything, she goes for this guy, Aaron,
who can't even play a proper C chord.
Roosevelt, we are so disappointed in you.
I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.
Barb?
I know. I'm sorry. I'll pay off every penny.
BARB: Yeah. Yeah, you will.
But I don't give a rat's patootie about the Volvo.
In fact,
the fact that you're here in the creamy, milky flesh
means the unibody construction did its job.
Did we bring you up to quit?
Did we bring you up to run away
with your tail between your legs every time
some hot Fonzie with a guitar woos your girl?
Anything in this world worth having is worth fighting for.
Yeah, well, not actual fighting, of course.
Figurative. We don't condone violence outside of the dojo.
- Come on, Barb. - Right. Of course.
Of course.
If you really care about her, honey, you need to tell her that.
You want me to call her for you?
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Barb.
No. Thanks. That's great advice.
Let him do his own work. Okay? This is his thing.
BARB: It's hard! He's getting old.
She called me. Hold on.
Hey, Roosevelt, it's Wren.
I found Albert, but unfortunately
my mom's going to get home before we do.
Which means she'll either kill me or I'll be grounded until I'm 93.
Either way, I want to thank you for everything you did tonight.
And I wish things had turned out differently, because
you're awesome. And... Yeah, okay.
Bye.
- What's she saying? What'd she say? - Listen.
He will tell you when he's ready to tell you.
What did she say?
No, look, just she needs me. Okay?
Can I borrow the other car?
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
WREN: My dad was always into pulling pranks.
That's where Albert gets it.
The two of them Ioved Halloween because they had free rein
to get into as much trouble as possible.
Well, that, and they both loved candy.
Albert was never as happy
as when he was trick-or-treating with Dad.
So, it seemed only right
that since Dad couldn't take him this year,
the Ieast I could do was bring Albert to see him.
Wren?
Yes, Albert?
Thanks.
Honey, we're home.
Mrs. Desantis? Stop right there.
I cannot let you enter this house.
Why? Who the hell are you?
Roosevelt.
Friend of Wren's?
Never been mentioned, huh?
That's okay. I mean, 'cause before tonight,
I've never really done anything worthy of her taking notice.
That's a sweet story, and one that I'm not really that interested in hearing.
I've been up all night and I really need to get some sleep.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
(SIGHS) I'm a single mother. It's 5:30 in the morning.
And you really don't wanna mess with me.
Someone is counting on me, and I'm not letting her down,
so maybe you don't wanna mess with me.
- Oh, is that right? - Yeah.
(SNIFFS)
(GRUNTS IN PAIN)
You can inflict whatever physical pain you want,
which is considerable,
as is your knowledge of pressure points.
But I'm not going anywhere.
Mrs. Desantis, tonight was the best night of my life.
I lied to my moms for the first time ever.
I trashed our Volvo.
My best friend shot another man's drumstick.
The cops are probably after us.
And I'm gonna have to get a part-time job
at Captain Chicken just to pay off the damage I caused.
But I wouldn't trade a minute of it, 'cause I got to spend it with Wren.
And I love her.
I'm in love with your daughter.
- I take it you know this kid? - WREN: Yes.
Yes. I do.
Wren. Is that you?
Hello, Wren. Don't worry.
As you can see, I have the situation in hand.
Your mother has not entered the house.
Put your head back down.
Why does this kid not want to let me in?
I'll explain later.
Okay. Well, he is kind of cute.
It was nice to meet you, Roosevelt.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Desantis.
JOY: Come on, Albert.
It was awkward, but memorable.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
But more importantly, I mean, you found Albert.
- And your mom. - Yeah.
Yeah, we sort of bumped into her on the way home.
Sorry.
Don't be. I'm glad I'm here.
You are?
Mmm-hmm.
'Cause now I can do this.
(INDIE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh.
(PENG GROWLS)
(CHATTING INDISCERNIBLY)
Oh, hey, Fuzz.
Denise, hey.
Big night last night?
Oh, huge night, actually.
I finally opened my eyes and realized that Lara and I are not meant to be.
At all. Which is just a big one for me to take, 'cause...
No, I meant, did you ever find that little Spider-dude?
Oh, yeah, Spidey. Yeah, totally.
Saved his life. No big deal.
It happens. Kind of how I roll.
Wait, is that the new issue?
Uh...
It's sold out everywhere.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
It's on the house.
- Really? - Yeah.
A fellow fan of Galaxy Scout.
- Wow, thanks, Fuzz. - No problem.
See you around?
See ya.
Hey, Denise?
What do you think about maybe
you, me and Spidey hanging out whatever?
Sure. Maybe just you and me?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Just the two of us.
Nice. Okay.
I have nothing to read now.
We're sure gonna miss her. Huh, Albert?
Candy pancakes with a side of AirHead bacon.
Yeah. Most people do leftovers on Thanksgiving.
Our family does Halloween.
Amazing! Albert made these?
My compliments to the chef.
Where is the little guy?
I don't know. He was just here a second ago.
(HEROIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Maybe you could do an explaining rap, too.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh, my God.
- He did not. - I told you so!
I mean, maybe sometimes April knows something.
Everything we worked for last night is ruined.
Maybe you could do an explaining rap, too.
APRIL: Wren?
(WITH AUTO-TUNED VOICES)
I'm E.O. Wilson and I'm a scientist
I study ants and stuff if you get the gist
I'm about as cool as a guy can get
Think Jason Bourne with a butterfly net
Praying mantis Praying mantis
The turtle, the turtle
Don't do that
What?
(FARTING)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ah! Ah! Ah! Ew!
WREN: Albert!
Everyone thinks I don't talk.
But actually,
I've been pranking my mom for the past six months.
JOY: Hello?
(IN A LOW VOICE) This is Verizon calling.
Your phone has been reported faulty
and needs to be tested by our voice recognition system.
Could you please repeat a few phrases?
Okay.
I like cheese.
I Iike cheese?
My poops are big and hearty.
My poops... Wait, who is this?
This is your great-uncle Vindaloo from Czechoslovakia.
My who?
Great-uncle Vindaloo. Vindaloo. Vindaloo!
I have moved to Cleveland and am on my way to your house
so I can live in the basement.
I think you have the wrong number.
Joy Desantis? I'm staring at a photo of you as a baby.
Okay, this is just weird.
Hello.
Hello?
(IN A HIGH VOICE) Hello, dear,
this is the brassiere department at Marshalls calling.
The bras you ordered are here.
However, they're so small, we can't seem to find them anywhere.
You must have very tiny boobs.
Albert! Is this you?
- (CHUCKLES) - (FARTS)
(INDIE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(TENSE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)